Thor: A Synopsis
Opening: Natalie Portman and that hot chick that Robert Rodriguez was boning for a while and Stellan Skarsgård (who is both sufficiently Nordic and sufficiently professorial to fulfill two purposes here) are out in the desert in New Mexico doing the astronomy equivalent of storm chasing and some big professional wrestler that looks kind like a skinny Nick Mangold lands in the dirt and they run over him with their van.
Flash back to Nordic Cruise Lines heaven world, which is a theme park collaboratively designed by Ian Schrager, Phillippe Starck, Fritz Lang and some guy who got really high huffing gold paint. Odin oversees this realm of Ass Guardians and is played by a plump and stiff-looking Anthony Hopkins, whose bad eye is covered by a solid gold maxi-thin. He’s got two kids: skinny Nick Mangold and the dude who works the electric guitar room at every music store in town and sits there noodling all day long and glaring at you when you want him to take down anything off the wall. His hair is slicked back ominously. Oh, also, Odin is boning Renee Russo, and she still looks half his age. That woman must eat a lot of boneless, skinless chicken breasts.
Mangold and guitar tech are accompanied by Jethro Tull, Katy Perry, Princess Bride-era Cary Elwes, and token Asian Dude. They get pissed off at Junior’s Ice because Junior tried to steal an ice chest from them that they actually stole from Junior so they walk across a really long dance floor from Studio 54 and ask Stringer Bell (or Karl Malone, it’s hard to tell through all the makeup) if they can go to Junior’s Ice Haus and then they get in one of those bulb syringes that you use to get snot out of babies’ noses and it spins around real fast and ejaculates them to frozen world where Junior says “why have you come here to die, Ass Guardians?” and they engage in various forms of hammer fu, spiky thing fu, and using-a-flying-person-as-a-headshot-through-the-skull-of-a-giant-ice-monster fu. Then Odin comes and rescues them as they’re about to get their asses kicked and brings them back into the rotating syringe where he kicks Mangold out for defying him, who lands on earth.
Back on earth we get scads of culture-clash jokes as Mangold tries to adapt to slumming it with Natalie Portman. Mangold’s hammer also landed after he did, in a different place, and we witness redneck humor as the local doofuses try to pull it out of the crater, because Hannibal Lecter said no one could use the hammer until they deserved it, and then that bro from SHIELD rolls in and takes all of Portman’s and Skarsgård’s shit and Kat’s iPod, and they sit on the roof and bitch about it. Meanwhile, Padmé is getting a little hot under the robes for Mangold, and she takes him to the hammer crater, which is now guarded by the SHIELD dudes, and Mangold busts in and kicks everyone’s ass and we have copious DLR-style high-kicking, wrestling, shit tons of mud even though it just started raining, and Jeremy Renner practicing archery from a cherry picker.
Up in the Magic Kingdom, it turns out that guitar tech is actually an ice dude that Hrothgar sort of kidnapped during the big war with Junior, and he’s now plotting to take over Metropolis with some complicated patricide that will make him king and implicate Junior’s ice delivery crew so, after Mangold and Skarsgård get wasted on boilermakers and then Mangold serves everyone eggs the next morning, guitar tech sends this giant walking gas oven down to earth to kill Mangold and everything else, and Katy Perry puts a spike through the back of gas oven’s head but he’s actually more like T2 and transforms on his vertical axis and heals himself and starts kicking ass some more and blowing away the podunk New Mexico town until he kicks Mangold’s ass so hard that he just about dies and the magic gavel comes flying out of the crater and lands in his hands and he hops up and creates some mad tornado fu, which is apparently sufficient to smash T2 beyond self-repair.
But shit has gone bad up in Epcot Center. Guitar tech has taken over as king and brings Junior’s ice dudes in to kill Titus Andronicus, and he has to freeze Stringer Bell to get them across the big disco bridge, so Stringer can’t turn on the gold-plated teleporting syringe to bring Mangold and his bandmates back to Opryland. But just in time, Stringer busts out of his ice block and brings Mangold back, who busts in on Trent Reznor fake-saving Othello from Junior. Then Mangold and Marilyn Manson get in a king-hell fight because Manson wants to destroy the dry ice plant, and Mangold has to break the rainbow dance floor with his hammer, which closes up the gold syringe forever, and then both Mangold and Danzig are about to fall of the edge, and Nixon has to pick one, so he lets Danzig fall, and then Mangold is all sullen cuz he lost a brother and he can’t take the gold syringe back to earth to bone Swan, but he and Stringer stand on the edge of the waterfall and watch her do science and shit.
As usual for these Marvel flicks, you have to sit through the credits to see a vague, foreboding segment with Samuel L. Jackson (is this all the work he can get now?) intoning vague, foreboding things that will somehow tie in to the next movie. There is also a Foo Fighters song at the end. This was directed by Kenneth Branagh and is in 3D. Go figure.
