The Green Lantern: A Synopsis
Green Lanterns are intergalactic security guards hired by a council of animatronic Estelle Gettys to patrol the universe, which has been evenly divided into 3,600 sectors, for which each Green Lantern is responsible. The animatronic Golden Girls sit perched atop mile-high barstools and render their decisions on universal security policy to some dude that looks like a cross between Erroll Flynn and Adolph Hitler and speaks in a vaguely European accent. He has Spock ears, one notched eyebrow, and barely visible curlicues on his cheek that look like faded henna. In other words, like every other bro at Eeyore’s Birthday Party.
On earth, there is this really ripped guy that has to be the offspring of Jim Carrey and Rick Santorum - he’s got Carrey’s jawline and crazy eyes, but Santorum’s round-headed, flat-faced blandness. He jumps out of bed so we can get a glimpse of his hot bod in tighty whiteys and then hauls ass to a test flight at a military contractor, where we get all sort of Right Stuff/Top Gun fu and then he flips out and starts thinking about how his dad died and crashes the plane. Then he gets in an argument with this hot chick who also happens to be a pilot and also happens to run the company in some vague way but mostly just spends her time looking super hot, but not in like a smoking hot, you-can’t-have-me supermodel way, because she’s not famous enough for that yet, so we can actually connect to her I guess, even though she can’t really act, but hey if you’re like a skinny, better-looking version of Tia Carrera and parade around in a low-cut cocktail dress, then at least we have that to look at, because GODDAMN IT NOTHING MAKES SENSE IN THIS GODDAMN MOVIE.
Anyway, we have two villains here - some Medusa-looking thing that sucks the skeletons out of everyone like he’s eating boiled crawfish, and Maggie Gyllenhall’s “lover”. Medusa thing grows these crazy tentacles that look a little like Smoke Monster except made of poo – let’s call him Toilet Monster, because if you showed this to a toddler and said this was going to come up out of the john and vacuum his poo out if he couldn’t push it out hisself, no kid would ever have problems with potty training again. So Toilet Monster escapes from Alex Jones’ Prison Planet in the Unknown Sector (or something like that, I really stopped giving a fuck), sucks the fear out of a bunch of Admiral Ackbar-looking dudes, then just about kills the top dog Green Lantern in some weird tunnel chase fu that was real noisy but didn’t make any sense. But top dog Lantern escapes in a pod thingy and lands on earth, where he is mortally wounded but tells his Green Lantern ring to go fly around and find somebody who is worthy of taking over his mall security job, and of course the ring finds Cantorum, who is just running around being a general fuckup and ruining kids’ birthday parties and parking his vintage muscle car poorly.
So he gets taken to Cocoon planet where we’re treated to an extended, soft-porn overview of his barely-clad, hairless body, and then he gets quite possibly the most hilarious-looking suit ever, this green, glowing thing that they will probably sell like two of nationwide at Target this October, because even five-year-olds will be like, “hey, mom, WTF with that green-ass bullshit,” and they’ll have a laugh and pick up another Buzz Lightyear costume. Of course, then we have to sit through at least 45 minutes of various types of crap scenarios where security-guard-to-be has to decide if he really wants to man up. He also goes through some training with a big Gears of War-looking reptilian dude that talks like Samuel Jackson and spouts drill sergeant crap. Then Hitler/Flynn tells him he’s no good, so he goes back to Earth and sulks for a while.
Shit, did I mention TIM ROBBINS is in this? What the hell? He’s a congressman or senator in cahoots with the military contractor, and also happens to be the father of Sarsgaard, who is weird, because he plays chess online and teaches biology or something, so Angela Bassett gets him to do an alien autopsy on the wounded security guard, and then he gets some yellow goo on his finger, which is actually some of Toilet Monster’s infectious junk, and slowly starts going crazy and throws some student across the room. Then you find out that the military contractor that lost the contract now got it back, so what the fuck happened to all the guys who tried to beat up Cantorum after he got in a fight with skinny Tia Carrera in a bar, because they all lost their jobs and shit, but now they should have them back, but they’re gone, and then Sarsgaard goes to the party where they announce the deal, and Robbins leaves in a helicopter, and Sarsgaard tries to make it crash, and Cantorum makes some stupid Hot Wheels race track because he saw it before at that birthday party, and we get the most convoluted and absurd CGI fu of this glowing green race car on a glowing green race car track stopping the helicopter from killing everyone and then he saves hot chick with a green Biodome, and at this point I turned to Ron and said “WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!?!?” because nothing made sense anymore.
Sarsgaard’s head then swells and he turns into Harry Knowles and goes back to the alien autopsy lab and commences with mad mind fu, beats down Cantorum and roasts Tim Robbins in a MIND OVEN (patricide tastes so good!). Toiler Monster is on his way to Earth to kick everyone’s ass, because he has already taken out more security guards, but the AARP has agreed with Flynn/Hitler that they need to “MAKE THE YELLOW RING,” which I don’t even know what that is, but then Cantorum flies up there to tell them to wait, hey, don’t use fear, I will go back to Earth and kick Toilet Monster’s butt, which he does by creating all these stupid green weapons like Howitzers and stuff, and then drags Toilet Monster into the sun while holding himself back with two fake F-35 jets, which like TOTALLY WOULDN’T WORK IN SPACE, and all the security guards think he’s awesome now and they let him into their grilled chicken club and then he goes back to Earth and kisses skinny Tia Carrera and makes bad jokes about how he’s going to have to travel a lot and then I was like goddamnit, thank god Ron paid for this because this was quite possibly the shittiest movie I’ve seen in a long time, and the 3D sucked, and now I have a goddamn headache and green goo is dripping out of my ears and SHIT WAS TIM ROBBINS ACTUALLY IN THAT?
I feel stupider now.
